Top 10 Things a Musician Doesn’t Want to Hear

Let’s just say, you are in for a memorable beat down if you say these things. It’s a fine a line between criticism and adoration, so watch out.

One: You sound like… Hell boils over every time the above words are uttered, usually before the name of another much more famous musician. It’s worse if they say a musician you hate or one in a completely different field. Like a rapper being told, they sound like Taylor Swift. Upcoming musicians are most affected with the slanderous statement. What follows this is a brief pause then a rehearsed line in defence of their art. Originality is very important to a musician so hearing this means death to all who uttered it. Not immediate death but gradual. Just know you will never be invited to the after party when they win a Grammy.

Two: Damn them. What’s your name again? As in, you introduce yourself only to get this reaction. If you didn’t introduce yourself as a musician, they wouldn’t have asked. It’s like you are so unpopular they have to emphasize just how unpopular. Damn them!

Three: So that was you! Kanye West must hate this most. Thanks to all the controversial actions tied to his name. Good example… so that was you who hurt that innocent girl Taylor. Any publicity is good publicity, but having to defend actions done between of booze highs or low points can be challenging. Like hearing cats being dragged with a car.

Four: I have a great idea for a song! It’s the same old story. Make a record, wind up on television or the radio and you are automatically a promoter or a producer. Whenever the wannabe musicians see you, especially your close friends, they want to pawn out their shower ramblings as great music. They think it’s so easy. You, want to tell them there is absolutely nothing you can do to help. But in an effort to maintain fan base and be kind, you ignore them instead.

Five: What musical instrument do you play? A musician does not necessarily mean, every single thing that has to do with music. I won’t start singing Opera just because you ask, will I. All the same, it is a legitimate question. We all know One Direction and how often people, not seduced by their charms, want to ask the above question. They want to say, that you are a musician with no sense of music. So what if you never took the time to learn an instrument? Your voice is an instrument.

Six: I know you have me on the list. Promotions again! This time, you got a great gig on a wonderful arena and you run home to tell your close friends and family. First thing out of their mouth…you must have me on the list. No payment asked, no thought of whether the place is sold out or not…they just must be on the list. Poor Poor, now you have to find corrupt ways to sneak them in.

Seven: You must love Karaoke. Don’t you people know? Live music from a musician is only if you pay!!! And… obviously… after a thorough month of preparation because that voice doesn’t come so easy. Also, Karaoke is an opportunity for all the non-singers to belt out a few notes with no pressure. Having you there will just ruin the fun. Please, if you come across a musician never ask them to Karaoke. I want to bet that all the lip-synching is as a result of the above question. We don’t need another badly sung National Anthem on our hands.

Eight: Will I hear you on the radio soon? Ummm…it takes a long time to get to the level of radio music. If you say this, they give you that look that gives you more incentive to react. I mean it is your dream. You have always wanted to be a musician on a global stage and to have your music out for the public. So you are calling record companies and perfecting your art and now you are getting closer and closer to an album.

Then you tell some dude that you sing and in their bored enthusiasm they ask you this question. Don’t resort to violence, as tempting as it must be at that moment.

Nine: What’s your real job? This question is not bad. It is asked from the best sense of concern. It is asked when they can’t possibly see a future in your music. Or when you are making such horrible music they feel they must intervene before you start counting your eggs. Bear with them, and then delete them from your contacts because that has to be the meanest question that’s ever been asked. They must just want to see you cry.

Ten: So you are trying to be a musician. What happens next depends on whom the above is posed to. If Nicki Minaj is the recipient, then you expect a knockdown that ends up on YouTube with the caption ‘Idiot gets socked’. There will be blinking and flying arrows to point you out. But if you ask an up comer, then you may just get a look asking you to keep quiet. Whatever you do, don’t suggest they audition for the voice.