The 10 Most Stupefyingly Bad Singles of the Year

Now that 2017 is coming to a close, it’s time to review the worst singles of the year, and they are a veritable doozy of bad taste, rancid lyrics, and poor choices.

Brace yourselves.

Sam Hunt: “Body Like a Back Road”

We could have make the entire Worst List out of Bro Country singles alone, but we decided to spare you the memories and just focus on the one song that sounds the most like something created by Saturday Night Live. The winner is Sam Hunt’s “Body Like a Back Road,” which finds the country crooner comparing a woman’s body to a sweet, sweet, curvy country road:

Body like a back road, drivin’ with my eyes closed
I know every curve like the back of my hand
Doin’ 15 in a 30, I ain’t in no hurry
I’mma take it slow just as fast as I can
The way she fit in them blue jeans, she don’t need no belt
But I can turn them inside out, I don’t need no help
Got hips like honey, so thick and so sweet
It ain’t no curves like hers on them downtown streets

Do women find this complimentary??? I feel like I need to bleach my brain after hearing this one.

Iggy Azalea: “Mo Bounce”

Hey, here’s something no one needed more of: Iggy Azalea doubling down on her cultural appropriation by releasing a track with lyrics like “Slick talk, spittin’ that Crisco / Drop that shit like a cholo at the dub show / Can you hit the switch and pick it up and let the world know?” And then there’s the “chorus”:

Mo bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Mo bounce in the motherfuckin’ house
Bounce, b-bounce, bounce, mo bounce
Mo, mo-mo bounce, b-bounce, bounce
Bounce in the motherfuckin’ house
Mo bounce in the motherfuckin’ house
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce, bounce
Bounce in the motherfuckin’ house
Mo bounce in the motherfuckin’ house
Bounce, b-bounce, bounce, b-bounce
Bounce, b-bounce, bounce
Bounce in the motherfuckin’ house, bounce
Mo bounce in the motherfuckin’ house

Wow, what a once-in-a-generation talent!

Liam Payne: “Strip That Down”

Like it or not, in 2017 the members of One Direction managed to establish themselves as individuals. Harry Styles had a well-received album and appeared in film. Zayn Malik had a hit album. Niall Horan distanced himself from 1D by debuting a stripped-down folksy style. Meanwhile, Liam Payne put out an album just for the sake of putting out an album. The unfortunately-titled “Strip That Down” is anything but bare. Instead it’s a pastiche of boy band cliches, from money to sex to cars to girls. Not even hardcore 1D fans needed that.

Miley Cyrus: “Malibu”

Hey everybody, she’s wholesome again! That’s the message Cyrus wanted to convey with the insipid album, Malibu. It’s a strange turn for the singer who fought so hard to get out from under the Disney reputation, and fought even harder to have musical credibility by embracing rap and hip-hop. But she wants you to know that was just a phase. Well, so was having chart topping hits like “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop.”

Ed Sheeran: “Genius”

In 2017, hip-hop finally crossed the rubicon, officially becoming the most popular music genre. Naturally, white pop singers were all over the big moment, deciding now was the time to incorporate rap. Sheeran half-raps his way through “Genius,” trying to over-charm everyone with his accent and his lite rock vibes. It’s painful. But that wasn’t Sheeran’s only rap of the year; he also appeared on Taylor Swift’s “Reputation” to give us more of Ed Sheeran Raps. Next year, the ginger should leave rap to the big boys.

Imagine Dragons: “Whatever It Takes”

Imagine Dragons didn’t take long to burn out. Their uninspiring 2017 effort culminated in an attempt to do some half-rapping, half-singing a la Sheeran, which is yet another thing nobody needed. I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid this song.

Jake Paul: “It’s Everyday Bro”

Jake Paul also had to jump on the hip-hop bandwagon and white boy rapping with a song about how much of a cool and good dude he is. “It’s Everyday Bro” is exactly the song you would expect from a “You Tuber.”

Taylor Swift: “Now Look What You Made Me Do”

I was inclined to be much nicer toward Taylor Swift. Reputation is not a bad album, although it is certainly an over-analyzed one. Then I heard her whisper-whine “Taylor can’t come to the phone right now, because Taylor is dead!” and I said now look what you made me do: welcome to the Worst List.

Katy Perry: “Swish, Swish Bish” and “Bon Appetit”

Katy Perry’s 2016 was dominated by political activism and power anthems, but like her fellow Hillary Clinton voters, Perry’s 2017 is characterized by a huge hangover. How else can we explain her terrible 2017 album, with its two major themes: I LIKE SEX! and, I KEEP THE RECEIPTS!

No song was worse in 2017 than “Swish, Swish Bish.” A desperate attempt at coining a phrase that would go viral, the song has stupid lyrics like “A tiger don’t lose no sleep, don’t need opinions from a shellfish or a sheep.”

Then there’s “Bon Appetit,” which gives us a Katy Perry who is desperate to explain that she likes sex and she can compare food with sex. Does this tripe really represent Perry at this point in her career? Her ex-husband Russell Brand is showing more maturity than these songs and he is Russell Brand! Like most of us, Perry could really use a good long break.