Sometimes, you forget why you ever had kids. Sometimes, that “sometimes” is every day. If you have some useless small people you’re just not sure what to do with, then this article is for you! We’re going to show you how to use your kids to attack all sorts of predators in – get this – six easy steps! Don’t kid yourself – you’ve been plotting a way to murder your neighbor’s obnoxious, whiny dog for years, and the Seinfeld technique just isn’t going to cut it (sorry, Newman).
With that in mind, we present a two-part series: how to attack animals using children in six easy steps. Grab a pen, and prepare to start taking notes. You’ll want to remember this for later (today).
Number Three: Equip Your Children. This one should be obvious. What weapons do children naturally wield? Their small, meaty hands? Yeah…no. You need to make sure they come prepared! This is your No Child Left Behind manifesto, and you should treat it that way. To properly equip your children, first make sure only long-sleeved shirts are in play. You want to minimize the amount of exposed skin. Another great idea: helmets. Kids might hate them, but just assure them that they’ll be doing something really cool in no time. You might think handing them weapons like knives and sticks would be an obvious choice – but wait! Don’t do that. You want to avoid self-injury, which would render your children useless. Let them go at it with their sharp fingernails and teeth.
Number Two: Train the Children. The next step in properly using children to attack animals is to make sure your children are trained properly. Children are naturally predisposed to hate order and stay away from any kind of organization. You must put a stop to this. However, imparting the skills required to attack animals will require a lot of work, so you can just go ahead and skip that and move straight to the yelling. The way you yell will inevitably depend on how many children are in your army. With a small pack of children, yelling will work OK; however, beyond, say, 15 children, yelling will simply wreak havoc. In that case, you need to appoint a couple of the children as “leaders,” so they can boss the other children around for you.
Number One: Shush the Children. This tip might seem obvious, but it’s absolutely imperative. Animals aren’t dumb, which is why they tend to avoid children at all costs. They can probably sense the satanic blood flowing through every child’s veins. Your children will have to sneak up on the animals. Stay tuned for part two of this guide to learn how to go forth and attack animals with your army of children!